What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 08:13
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
What is your first experience having sex with older men?
And i lived it daily.
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
I was 9 years of age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What does a passable feminine crossdresser look like?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ive learnt so much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Comes on , in middle age.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I have no regrets .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is soul school!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When she asked me how she looked .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im still living with it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She found it foreign!.
But it wasn’t much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Who then, do I blame.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I said to her
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I waited trembling.
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She loved him until the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was very sick at this time too.
My family never makes their pension either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Put me off passion for life!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I will be 64.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I write beautiful poetry .
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .